its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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