Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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