I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
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drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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