Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
