so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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