i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
