My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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