He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
