Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
