ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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