We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
