yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
