I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
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Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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