Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
