Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
