Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
