You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
