i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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