He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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