you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
