guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
