Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
