First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
