so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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