My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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