i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
