I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
