90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How does it feel to date your dad?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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