Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
This is not my ceiling
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
