So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
