I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
