After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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