tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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