for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
