I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
