they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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