Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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