The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
