oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
