from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
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What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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