Plan B is the new Plan A
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
