I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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