i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
