My Higher Power is John Stamos
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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