I'm so fucking centered right now
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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