she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
