I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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