I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
