dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
