my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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