Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
