The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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