I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
