the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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