wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
